Sam Altman to mother: “Thank you for getting me to this point. Now, please die.”
“I’m not surprised. He said the same to his father eight years ago,” Sam’s mother Connie said, “I’m so proud of him.”
March 19, 2026
-
-
Lizard to lay off 20% of Meta staff
“AI actually isn’t more efficient; it just chills my heart making you humans suffer,” read a translated excerpt from his memo to employees, “You'll always work for me in the Metaverse.”
March 18, 2026
-
Antichrist visits the Vatican only to talk about himself
“I thought the world was going to end but he really just sweat an unholy amount and avoided eye contact,” confessed a bishop who wished to remain anonymous for fear of demonic retaliation. “It’s cool that he’s gay.”
March 17, 2026
-
Rags to riches: Humpty Dumpty put back together, becomes investor
“We actually lost our Series A to crypto rug pulls, but we’re scrappy and resourceful enough to make our own glue,” the king’s men explained, walking home without their horses.
March 16, 2026
-
Dust bunny given second chance as CEO of Palantir
“He smells awful but we really aligned with his misogynistic and capitalist views,” investors admitted.
March 15, 2026
-
Sam Altman to star in reboot of TV show “Almost Human”
“We knew he was perfect when he denied involvement in the OpenAI whistleblower’s death. Very convincing,” showrunners said.
March 14, 2026